Dear alcohol, We had a deal where you would make me funnier, smarter, and a better dancer... I saw the video... we need to talk.
No, those pants don't make you look fatter. I mean, how could they?
I'm the kind of guy who stops the microwave at 1 second just to feel like a bomb defuser
A cat, by any other name, is still a sneaky little furball that barfs on the furniture