How many alcoholics does it take to change a light bulb? Two. One to hold the bulb, and one to drink until the room starts spinning.
What does a skeleton orders at a restaurant? Spare ribs.
Never argue with a woman when she's tired...or when she's rested.
A man enters a store and says: "15 litres of wine please." "Did you bring a container for this?" "You're speaking to it."