Why do they call it Alcoholics anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, 'Hi, My name is John and I am an alcoholic'
That awkward moment when you leave a store without buying anything and all you can think is "act natural, you're innocent"
The human soul weighs 1.2lbs. I know because I've weighed myself before and after I walk into my job
He's a recovering alcoholic: recovering from last night!