Funny One Liners

I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already.

Smoking is a slow death! But we're not in a hurry...

For my next trick I need a condom and a volunteer...

If the facts don't fit the theory, change the facts.

The farther away the future is, the better it looks.

Those that forget the pasta are doomed to reheat it.

You cannot play with me unless you blow me. -Balloon