Latest Funny One Liners

I swear to drunk I'm not God, but seriously, stay in drugs, eat school, and don't do vegetables

Men live better than women. First of all, they get married later and secondly, they die earlier

No! for the last time stop asking if i am drunk. I am not drunk! Who would name their kid drunk?

If the other driver had stopped a few yards behind himself the accident would not have happened

The problem with being in the center of attention is that half of it is always behind your back

I have one of those unlimited cell phone plans. There's no limit to how much they can charge me

Darling, you are the most beautiful woman in this party! Did you invite these guests on purpose?