Latest Funny One Liners

What's the difference between your wife and your job? After five years your job will still suck.

My wife's not too smart. I told her, our kids were spoiled. She said, "All kids smell that way."

I heard the next Steve Jobs movie will be on IMAX. It's the same movie, just on a bigger screen

I love what you've done with your hair. How do you get it to come out of the nostrils like that?

If every day is a gift, I'd like a receipt for Monday. I want to exchange it for another Friday

My wife had her driver's test the other day. She got 8 out of 10. The other 2 guys jumped clear

Scooters are for men who want to ride motorcycles, but prefer to feel the wind on their vaginas