Funny One Liners

Credit cards are VERY dangerous. Every time I try to use one somebody starts chasing me with scissors

How do men define a "50/50" relationship? We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too

The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was

Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos?

During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel

How can you make a gay man scream twice? Fudge him real hard. Then wipe your dick off on his curtains