Funny One Liners

Materialism: buying things we don't need with money we don't have to impress people that don't matter

I'd like to see things from your point of view, but I can't seem to get my head that far up your ass

The speed of light is when you take out a bottle of beer out of the fridge before the light comes on

The human soul weighs 1.2lbs. I know because I've weighed myself before and after I walk into my job

Love is not the number of times you kissed her, but the number of moments you were dying to kiss her

Some people only gets called by their nicknames. Usually it sounds weird to even say their real name

I love my FedEx guy cause he's a drug dealer and he doesn't even know it, and he's always on time