Funny One Liners

I think I'll tell my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted then used against you

The end of a relationship isn't the worst thing. It's worse when it doesn't end after the end

The trouble with unemployment is that the minute you wake up in the morning you're on the job

That awkward moment when you're about to hug someone sexy as hell and then you hit the mirror

Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning? They don't have balls to scratch!

I may not be getting laid tonight, but I'm definitely banging my snooze button in the morning