Funny One Liners

How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it

If you're looking for sympathy, you'll find it in the dictionary between "shit" and "syphilis"

Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and give her a house

The best thing about living at the beach is that you only have assholes on three sides of you

When I call a family meeting I turn off the house wifi and wait for them all to come running

Weddings and funerals are the same because I love going but I don't want them to be about me

I would give my dad what he really wants on Father's Day, but I can't afford to move out yet