Funny One Liners

No! for the last time stop asking if i am drunk. I am not drunk! Who would name their kid drunk?

If the other driver had stopped a few yards behind himself the accident would not have happened

The problem with being in the center of attention is that half of it is always behind your back

I have one of those unlimited cell phone plans. There's no limit to how much they can charge me

Darling, you are the most beautiful woman in this party! Did you invite these guests on purpose?

I have a friend. He keeps trying to convince me he's a compulsive liar, but I don't believe him

Appreciate how some people don't come out of ATM till they find the meaning of life right there