Funny One Liners

I heard the next Steve Jobs movie will be on IMAX. It's the same movie, just on a bigger screen

I love what you've done with your hair. How do you get it to come out of the nostrils like that?

If every day is a gift, I'd like a receipt for Monday. I want to exchange it for another Friday

My wife had her driver's test the other day. She got 8 out of 10. The other 2 guys jumped clear

Scooters are for men who want to ride motorcycles, but prefer to feel the wind on their vaginas

I swear to drunk I'm not God, but seriously, stay in drugs, eat school, and don't do vegetables

Men live better than women. First of all, they get married later and secondly, they die earlier