Funny One Liners

Identity theft is the most diabolical way someone can compliment you on doing a good job at life

The sun is going to go out in 4 billion years, and you sit there and act like everything is fine

Congratulations, If you press the elevator button three times it goes into hurry mode

An optimist believes that we live in the best world. A pessimist is afraid that it might be true

My colleague can no longer attend next weeks Innuendo Seminar so I have to fill her slot instead.

There's a pigeon walking up the driveway. I don't care what he wants. I'm not answering the door

I'm pretty sure I'm going to die without knowing what 95% of a scientific calculator is used for