Funny One Liners

Whenever i have a headache,i take two asprins and keep away the children,like the bottle says

My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy... so I got drunk

How can you tell soap operas are fictional? In real life, men aren't affectionate out of bed

A consensus means that everyone agrees to say collectively what no one believes individually

There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a woman, before marriage and after marriage

Did you hear about the guy that lost his left arm and leg in a car crash? He's all right now

What do you get if you cross an owl with a witch? A bird that's ugly but doesn't give a hoot!