Funny One Liners

What's a mixed feeling? When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night

I always take life with a grain of salt, ...plus a slice of lemon, ...and a shot of tequila

How do people lose their kids at the mall? Seriously, any tips would be greatly appreciated

Why didn't the man report his stolen credit card? The thief was spending less then his wife

I wish conversations were like user agreements where I could skip to the end and just agree

Darling, will you catch me if I jump into the water?' 'Darling, if I say yes, will you jump?