Why did the students eat their homework? Because the teacher said that it was a piece of cake
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The best thing about living at the beach is that you only have assholes on three sides of you
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When I call a family meeting I turn off the house wifi and wait for them all to come running
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Weddings and funerals are the same because I love going but I don't want them to be about me
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I would give my dad what he really wants on Father's Day, but I can't afford to move out yet
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Whenever i have a headache,i take two asprins and keep away the children,like the bottle says
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My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy... so I got drunk
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