Funny One Liners

If Wal-Mart is lowering prices every day, why isn't anything in the store is free yet?

My dad used to always warn me about anal. He would say "Now son, this may hurt a bit"

It must be difficult to post inspirational Tweets when your blood type is B Negative

"I'm sorry" and "I apologize" mean the same thing... except when you're at a funeral

It looks like your face caught on fire and someone tried to put it out with a hammer

If you can't say something nice, say it to your husband... he's not listening anyway

There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away