Funny One Liners

Time is like money, the less we have of it to spare the further we make it go.

Just got a booty call from life, apparently it still wants to keep fucking me.

It matters not whether you win or lose: what matters is whether I win or lose.

What did the stamp say to the envelope on Valentine's Day? "I'm stuck on you!"

Don't hate me because I'm beautiful. Hate me because your boyfriend thinks so.

What's the difference between a female lawyer and a pitbull terrier? Lipstick!

What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies? A bingo machine.