Funny One Liners

Friends are like condoms: They protect you when things get hard.

I ran three miles today. Finally I said, "Lady take your purse."

How does a blonde high-five? She smacks herself in the forehead.

Did something bad happen to you or are you just naturally ugly.

What travels around the world but stays in one corner? A stamp.

If you see me with a water bottle, there's probably vodka in it

Kids, just because I don't care doesn't mean I'm not listening.