Funny One Liners

If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child

Childhood is like being drunk, everyone remembers what you did, except you.

It's ironically funny how axe handles are made of wood. It's like the ultimate "Fuck you" to trees.

Telling a girl to calm down works about as well as trying to drown a fish.

No one actually follow the work policy. The rules are just there so the boss can later say "I told you so"

I like to stop the microwave at 1 second left just to feel like a bomb-defuser.

Monsters aren't under your bed or in your closet. They're the people you give your heart to who don't want it but take it anyway.