Funny One Liners

To a young housewife: remember that a small bottle of vodka not only will decorate the table but also will hide your cooking mistakes.

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."

The last chapter of every book should just be all the characters acting completely terrified because their world is about to end.

Dear alcohol, We had a deal where you would make me funnier, smarter, and a better dancer... I saw the video... we need to talk.

You know your children are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they're going.

Whats the difference between your girlfriend and a walrus? One has a mustache and smells of fish and the other is a walrus.

Fridges should have glass doors.That way i don't have to stand with the fridge door open trying to figure out my next move