Funny One Liners

My first child has gone off to college and I feel a great emptiness in my life. Specifically, in my checking account

You can consider yourself lucky in life, if the cognac you drink is older than the woman that you're sleeping with.

Updating your relationship status in public is fine. Updating your relationship problems in public is stupidity

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world everyday always just exactly fits the newspaper

Whats the difference between the Christmas alphabet and the ordinary alphabet? The Christmas alphabet has Noel

My favorite sexual position: The Chilean miner. That's where you go down on me and stay there till Christmas