Funny One Liners

I believe in respect for the dead; in fact, I could only respect you if you WERE dead

There are no limits to my perfection, a monkey was thinking while looking at a human

What's the difference between men and pigs? Pigs don't turn into men when they drink

TRUE FRIENDSHIP: Walking into a persons house and your wifi connects automatically

I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific

You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice

I wasn't born with enough middle fingers to let you know how I feel about you