Funny One Liners

How are husbands like lawn mowers? They're hard to get started, they emit noxious odors, and half the time they don't work

When my friends are sad, i send them a long ass paragraph, but when I'm sad, they only say "Oh sorry" or "Well that sucks"

Give a man a fish, and you'll feed him for a day; give him a religion, and he'll starve to death while praying for a fish

My speech today will be like a mini-skirt. Long enough to cover the essentials but short enough to hold your attention!

I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, "Well, that's not going to happen."

An angry woman can pack everything she owns in an hour, but it will take her a week to pack for vacation

The difference between "Girlfriend" and "Girl Friend" is the "Friend Zone"