Funny One Liners

Girls wanting giant ass teddy bears, & VS bags, and bouquets of underwear for valentines day. Just give me some pizza & I'll love u forever.

Girl: My GrandFather Lived For 96 Years & He Never Used Glasses. Boy: Yeah I Know, Few People Drink Directly From Bottle

Just read that 4,153,237 people got married last year, not to cause any trouble but shouldn't that be an even number?

I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, "I'm peeing in here!"

By the cup of Nescafe even the most secret thoughts turn into words, and by the bottle of vodka - into actions.

Crap. Something is wrong with my cell phone. {Oh Really. What is that?} Its just that...your numbers not in it

According to the principle of the sandwich, if you put butter on both sides the sandwich will hang in the air