Latest Funny One Liners

Just read that 4,153,237 people got married last year, not to cause any trouble but shouldn't that be an even number?

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car

When an employment application asks who is to be notified in case of emergency, I always write, "A very good doctor"

My first child has gone off to college and I feel a great emptiness in my life. Specifically, in my checking account

I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, "I'm peeing in here!"

Why do they call it Alcoholics anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, 'Hi, My name is John and I am an alcoholic'

What's the difference between a slut and a bitch? A slut will have sex with anyone, a bitch will have sex with anyone but you