Funny One Liners

Girls are like internet domain names... the ones I like are already taken.

I require three things in a man. He must be handsome, ruthless and stupid.

There are three kinds of people: Those who can count and those who can't.

My wife and I had a two-hour fight about whether or not we were fighting.

I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months- I don't like to interrupt her.

One day you're the best thing since sliced bread. The next, you're toast.

The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.