Funny One Liners

I flirted with disaster last night. Now disaster won't stop texting me.

Where were you I have been waiting for half an hour. Said No Girl Ever.

Why did the student study in an airplane? He wanted a higher education!

What did the caveman give his wife on Valentine's Day? Ughs and kisses!

My ex wrote to me: Can you delete my number? I responded: Who is this?

What's six inches long, two inches wide, and drives women wild? Money.

I thought you'd be flattered that my dog found your leg so attractive.