Funny One Liners

I can totally keep secrets. It's the people I tell them to that can't.

Can I have your picture so I can show Santa what I want for Christmas?

Why can't you play Uno with a Mexican? They steal all the green cards.

You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.

I'm not an alcoholic. Alcoholics need a drink, but I already have one.

When you try to prove to someone that something doesn't work, it will.

I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.