Funny One Liners

We just got a fax. At work. We didn't know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.

Olympic track makes you feel like you witnessed a crime, because you hear a gunshot and then see a bunch of black guys hauling ass.

I was at a restaurant and I noticed my waitress had a black eye. So I ordered very slowly because obviously she doesn't listen.

Tequila is a good drink: you drink it and you feel like a cactus; the only problem is that in the morning the thorns grow inward.

Why do they say that eating yogurt and oysters will improve your sex life? Because if you'll eat that stuff, you'll eat anything.

Men don't realize that if we're sleeping with them on the first date, we're probably not interested in seeing them again either.

I hate girls that complain about being single every 3 minutes. 90% of my socks are single & you don't see them crying about it.