Funny One Liners

Why does it feel like time slows down during the day when you're at work and rapidly speeds up at night when you get home?

Did you hear about the gay security guard who got fired from his job at the sperm bank? He got caught drinking on the job

Men are like Bluetooth. When they're close they're connected, when they move further they start looking for new equipment

If a woman falls, an idiot will walk by, a gentleman will help her to get up, but a real man will lie down with her

I don't think it's rude to ask someone in an online dating site to send a picture posing with a copy of today's newspaper

I changed my password to "incorrect". So whenever I forget what it is the computer will say "Your password is incorrect"

A man enters a store and says: "15 litres of wine please." "Did you bring a container for this?" "You're speaking to it."