Funny One Liners

A man came up with a new invention, a vibrating tampon. That way a woman can be at her best when she is at her worst

People say money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you had enough money, you can have a key made

My voicemail message is just instructions on how to send a text message with brief pauses filled with heavy sighing

Dear Week, I'm so over you. I'm leaving you for your best friend, Weekend. Don't try to find us for at least 2 days

The poor wish to be rich, the rich wish to be happy, the single wish to be married, and the married wish to be dead

A woman participating in a survey was asked how she felt about condoms. She said, "Depends on what's in it for me."

What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife? A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelry