Funny One Liners

Somewhere an elderly lady reads a book on how to use the internet, while a young boy googles "how to read a book"

When I was a kid my mother stopped breastfeeding me. I asked her why and she says "hey, I just wanna be friends."

If you can stay calm while all around you is chaos, then you probably haven't completely understood the situation

I should've known it wasn't going to work out between my ex-wife and I. After all, I'm a Libra and she's a bitch

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason

A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.

You're 10 times more likely to die when your girlfriend says, "I'm fine" than when you are flying on an airplane.