Funny One Liners

I think that if I died and went straight to hell it would take me at least a week to realize I wasn't at work anymore

They were the type of children who would kill both parents and make you feel sorry for them because they were orphans

Why is Christmas just like a day at the office? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.

You should know, that no one understood it was an April fool's joke because no one expected you have a sense of humor

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car

When an employment application asks who is to be notified in case of emergency, I always write, "A very good doctor"

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife