Funny One Liners

When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him? I told him everyone knows he doesn't hire stupid people

I need to start paying closer attention to stuff. Found out today my wife and I have separate names for the cat

Life is all about perspective. The sinking of the Titanic was a miracle to the lobsters in the ship's kitchen

Adults are always asking little kids what they want to be when they grow up because they're looking for ideas

Don't be nervous if someone is driving ahead of you. The world is round, just think that you're driving first

A woman is like a shadow: when you walk from behind she runs away. When you run from her, she follows you behind

What did the egg say to the boiling water? It will take a minute for me to get hard I just got laid by a chick