Funny One Liners

I'm not a bad guy! I work hard, and I love my kids. So why should I spend half my Sunday hearing about how I'm going to Hell?

What did the boy octopus say to the girl octopus? Can I hold your hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand?

I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.

When you go into court, you are putting your fate into the hands of people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

What do marriages and tornadoes have in common? They both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? They're trying not to attract any more undue blame then they already have.

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word? Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!