If good things come in small packages, then more good things can come in large packages
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Why do the Scottish wear kilts? Because a sheep can hear a zipper from like a mile away
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Why should you send your sweetie a valentine? Because you always heart the one you love
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Why are men are like public toilets? The good ones are taken, the rest are full of shit
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Wife: "I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?" Husband: "You have perfect eyesight."
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It's better to let someone think you are an Idiot than to open your mouth and prove it
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I remember when Halloween was the scariest night of the year. Now, it's Election night
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