Funny One Liners

I was such an ugly kid. When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up

Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now

Alcoholism is the only disease that tries to convince you that you don't have it

I don't date older women because it takes too long to listen to their life story

Why do female skydivers wear jock straps? So they don't whistle on the way down

All I'm saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?