Funny One Liners

What did one candle say to the other? "Don't birthdays burn you up?"

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

I ran into my ex the other day, hit reverse, and ran into him again.

Did you know that there are 71.9 acres of nipple tissue in the U.S.?

We all have one ginger friend that claims to be "strawberry blonde".

Excuse me, I'm a little short on cash. Mind if we shared a cab home?

I have all the money I'll ever need – if I die by 4:00 p.m. today.