Funny One Liners

People tend to make rules for others and exceptions for themselves.

The best way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

The Miss Universe pageant is fixed. All the winners are from Earth.

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

Anyone have any sex laying around they're not using I could borrow?

He always finds himself lost in thought; it's unfamiliar territory.

How do you get a man to stop biting his nails? Make him wear shoes.