Funny One Liners

If procrastination was an Olympic sport, I'd compete in it later.

My resume is just a list of things I hope you never ask me to do.

Football gave me a traumatic brain injury and I was only watching.

Team work is important; it helps to put the blame on someone else.

You shouldn't come back, because later you'll still want to leave.

It's so cold outside, I actually saw a gangster pull his pants up.

You are so old, when you were a kid rainbows were black and white.