Latest Funny One Liners

My wife is so negative. I remembered the car seat, the stroller, And the diaper bag. Yet all she can talk about is how I forgot the baby.

I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away.

There is a new trend in our office; everyone is putting names on their food. I saw it today, while I was eating a sandwich named Kevin.

All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society's way of preparing you for your driver's license photo.

The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.

Unfortunately, but sometimes a woman can't find herself a man. She doesn't like the drunken ones, and the sober ones doesn't like her.

Before I criticize a man, I like to walk a mile in his shoes. That way, when I do criticize him, I'm a mile away and I have his shoes.