Funny One Liners

The last airline I flew charged for everything. Except for the bad service. That was free

I thought I was just really tired but it's been 5 years so I guess this is how I look now

What do lawyers and sperm have in common? One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming human

Always give 100% at work: 12% Monday, 23% Tuesday, 40% Wednesday, 20% Thursday, 5% Friday

The difference between the Pope and your boss. The Pope only expects you to kiss his ring

You would never be able to live down to your reputation, but I see you're doing your best

I'm the kind of guy who stops the microwave at 1 second just to feel like a bomb defuser